Undergarments

I know that it's annoying, but you do have change your underwear every day!
(this was said to child number 1)

Go get dressed and please remember to actually put on underwear his time.
(this was said to child number 2)

For the last time, please put your hippopotamus back in the drawer!!

Said to a friend's kid:
And should we bite his head when we are upset? (my friend said that one, but I followed it with "Do you realize his skull is too hard to bite?")

 

It's not a cookie, it's a peat pellet. Now take it out of your mouth.
Peat pellets look like flat discs. You add water and they expand into little pots of dirt that are used to grow seedlings. In other words, I just told my son not to eat dirt.

PLEASE, eat your chocolate NOW!!
Never thought I'd have to beg to get a 3 year old to eat chocolate. This, however, is not a normal 3 year old. He has a penchant for delayed gratification that surpasses most adults. When I give him 3 chocolate chips he will literally walk around with them for hours before eating them. 

Sibling Relations

No, you do not have permission to step on the baby. Thank you for asking though.

Phone Use

Take the phone out of your underwear and say hello.

Thank you. I appreciate that you are not peeing on the table, now please get off of it.

Lions, and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Get the lion out of the sink and go change your pants!! (don't ask, you really don't want to know)

Take the lion out of your diaper...I don't care if he is eating your tushie, I don't want him there.

..Because we don't cook cans of tuna on the stove.

(yes, it's been one of those days)